There is so much of the story swirling around in my head. How to communicate a story that is a decade in the making and perhaps a lifetime in the making coming to an eruption in a month period. I best just start at the beginning of the decade. 13 years ago Brandon's sister developed schizophrenia induced by a trauma of rape mixed with drug use and a genetic history. She is violent and even on medication she is not functioning. The medication seems to mellow her out about 10% which leaves 90% of her disease to be in charge. She has been in jail for violence, she's been homeless, she's a drug addict, she's poisoned herself and blamed on a nonexistent person trying to kill her. And she decided to have a kid with her boyfriend who is in jail for beating her up, has mental health issues and is also a drug user. And just to be fair, he has a restraining order out of her for her beating him right back.
For the last eight years, we (and the rest of the family) have cut her out of lives for the safety of our children and ourselves. And then last June the family was informed that she had a baby girl. The pregnancy was kept secret from the rest of the siblings. It wasn't until Brandon ran into her randomly at a Starbucks two months later that we became aware that the baby was in fact a boy. Brandon gave her his cell number for the sake of being able to keep an eye on our nephew. For the next five months, we were extremely worried for his safety. But unable to do anything more than offer our crib and buy clothes. The State removed the baby from the home when he was 7 1/2 months to Brandon's mom. We had no idea this had happened until his sister called two weeks later to ask us to take her baby. The baby should not have been placed with Brandon's mom. I will not go into details as to why, but just accept that home was not safe either. Brandon tracked down the case worker to find out what was going on and what the plan was. We received a phone call the next day that the State was removing the baby from Brandon's mom and placing him with us. Two days after multiple phone calls and a meeting, he came to our home.
We inherited a baby we didn't know anything about including how old he was. He was born with marijuana in his system and it was used his entire existence. He came to us dirty and dirty doesn't seem to describe the filth. Filthy seems to fit. He had a virus and the snot had built up in his nose so that he couldn't breathe out of it at all. We gave him a bath and he panicked. He had not had many, if any in his short life. Nothing was known of his mental abilities due to the marijuana use or with his genetic history. We got him at 8 months old and he didn't know how to sit. He didn't know how to read body language or understand tone. He didn't know how to interact and he was undersized. He rocked his body in a strange way and he had a blank stare mode that he existed in whenever he wasn't screaming. He had all the signs of neglect and all the environmental risks for having severe problems from the neglect. Read more here to get a deeper understanding: http://www.wonderbabiesco.org/UserFiles/File/EmotionalNeglectInfants59E[1](1).pdf
We fattened him up and spent hours a day getting food into his body. He learned to sit in a few days. He learned to crawl and was trying to stand up after three weeks of crawling. He stopped rocking unless he had a supervised visit with his mom at the DHW facility. He only went into blank stare mode around new people. The constant screaming was replaced by incessant fits that came out of nowhere or because he didn't want to obey. Obey being: have clothes and diaper changed, have a bath, get in the carseat, be held, not be held... And the fits lasted for a long time. Multiple scream sessions lasted over an hour and they were just one of many that happened during the day.
My boys were in constant hiding. They locked themselves in their playroom and room for hours to get away from the screaming. They would only come out for food when the baby was napping and go right back. My second little began peeing in his pants 6+ times a day because of the stress he was under due to the screaming. He started having nightmares that he was waking up screaming from nightly. The boys started refusing to go to bed until midnight because they needed the hours after the baby went to bed for the calm and to have time with us. Brandon and I felt dead inside. Our family unit was running so smoothly and beautifully and it had been turned upside down. We weren't getting any sleep, the baby shared his virus with us -- there was no chance when he put his snot inside my mouth.
All of a sudden we were required to be involved in Brandon's sister's life problems. We thought we could just take the baby and not deal with anything else. Boy did we ever get a wake up call about the foster care system and how hard it is to get kids away from horrible parents. The first priority is to reconcile the kid to the parents. Even violent, drug addict and scary mental health issue parents. We realized with talking to the caseworkers that they had no idea how severe her mental health issues were. The baby was removed from the home because the mom started acting her paranoid behavior out on the child. The caseworkers only had the information that Brandon's sister & her boyfriend provided. It became our job to fill them in on the family history so that the baby could not be placed back with Brandon's mom and on the last 13 years of his sister's life. This sounds like it is easy to do, but it actually required daily multiple phone calls, e-mails, and in person meetings. There were so many people that all the information had to be communicated because each person only deals with a small aspect of the case. Brandon had to take 15 hours of hard saved vacation time just to sort this out. We also found it infuriating that we had to communicate all of this information and repeatedly report our findings of the baby's behavior, but our opinion and the baby didn't matter. The key is parental rights -- that's what matters. The baby is in a safe home and that's all that matters. Note: the caseworkers are underpaid, overworked and do not have the tools & support they need to do this job. The system is broken, they are operating in the rules that must be followed. I couldn't imagine doing their job and dealing with all the traumas daily.
Brandon had to relive the abuse he faced as a kid and the terror of watching his sister's many violent horrifying episodes every time he communicated the information so they could have a complete story rather than a very small piece of the middle of the story told through the lens of a crazy person. Brandon's sister also was harassing us with crazy phone calls and texts constantly. We were given an inaccurate timeline of events at the initial meeting to take the baby. We were told that we would have him for two weeks until the hearing for custody. That most likely he would be going back home then. And if he didn't go back, in six months they would terminate the parental rights and place him in a permanent home. Brandon's sister didn't show up for the hearing, so obviously custody was not awarded. We requested the court dates so we could know when things were happening. The court dates were set for a year from the day the baby was taken out of the home. We were also informed by a friend that there is a Federal law that says you cannot take parental rights away from at least a year. It was also required that we become a licensed foster family which meant 27 hours of training for Brandon and me. We were also told at a meeting that the parents could do everything to meet the requirements to regain custody and not get custody OR do nothing and get custody. And that after a year, this game could still be being played.
All of this to say, that our family was falling apart from the outside stress of having to deal with the baby's parents & the broken system. Our family was falling apart because of the constant stress from an unhappy baby. Our hope was that we could give the baby a safe wonderful home to grow up in and adopt him if he settled in with us well. He didn't and even though he was making progress with gaining weight and learning to crawl, our children were suffering for a decision they had no part in making. I broke out in hives last week from all the stress with the process and add in the nasty stomach virus that hit us hard and long while still recovering from the first virus. The next day I had a migraine from the stress and knew that I was going to end up in the e.r. from all the stress raging war on my body if something didn't change. We knew what the change needed to be, giving the baby to another foster family. Brandon met with the new licensed foster family. The baby is in a home with a playmate and another playmate due in three months. He will be in a home that doesn't have to deal with the baby's family problems and can just take care of him. He will be with a family that has designed their family around fostering.
And while our emotions are relief that we don't have to go through all of that anymore, it is still raw and painful that the story didn't end with a happy addition to our home and him a happy life with us. We are grateful that it is Spring Break this week so we can heal our hearts and have a quiet life without obligations taking our time. We know we needed to go through it to know in our hearts, we gave everything would could without sinking our family. And we got him away from another unsafe home and into a safe place. Brandon has changed his cell phone number so we won't be harassed anymore by his sister. The boyfriend is getting out of jail in two days. And we are now operating under the never step foot in stores and places we know they frequent again in our life to keep us safe.
Psalm 91
1 Whoever dwells in the
shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the Lord,
“He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
3 Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with
his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and
rampart.
5 You will not fear the
terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that
stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at
your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe
with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you say, “The Lord
is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake
you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command
his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up
in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot
against a stone.
13 You will tread on the
lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the
serpent.
14 “Because he loves
me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my
name.
15 He will call on me,
and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will
satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I cannot imagine the emotions you must be experiencing and what these days and weeks have been like. I am praying for you all as you take this week to recover and regroup. Praying big.
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