"Be careful about whining, because 80% don't care, and 20% are actually happy you are uncomfortable."

If you are like me, and well you're probably not, you give yourself quite a hard time for not measuring up. I'm not going down the motherhood spiral of measuring up with this post. I'm talking about who I am. What makes me tick. How I am wired and programmed. For the last little while I've been working through figuring out why I'm so hard on myself. Is there really a valid reason for me to be so critical? Can I change the things that bother me so much? So I know you're all wondering what I so dislike about myself, so let's get to it.

I am a night owl.

The world is not kind to those of our kind. It glorifies the morning person. The adage, The early bird catches the worm is ingrained in us as wee ones. Can you think of any positive maxims for staying up late? If they do exist, I do not know them. And for the purposes of this entry, I will wait to search for them until after this is published. For I don't want to lose this point. :)  What culture has ingrained is that I am lazy and a non productive citizen because my body doesn't function well before 11am. So my curiosity got the better of me and I searched a small bit. Yet was validated in suspicions. The scientific studies went even further to say that we are more selfish, narcissistic, fatter,deceitful, and prone to mental health issues than our lark counterpoints. So it's no wonder that I felt a failure of winning the genetic lottery of night owlish nature.

Can I change this? No. It's my nature. It's how I am made. What I can change is my thinking. No, I don't get up before my children to get chores done. My productivity time is after they go to bed. I have the energy to do it then, not in the morning. No, I cannot train myself to function as a lark. For then I spend my weekends sleeping unseemly amounts, like 14 hours before I am rested. So I work with what I've been dealt and recognize that I am not a failure in this world oriented towards the larks. I am not those characteristics those studies suggest.

I value counter cultural hippish things.

I push against the norm with things like organic food, a simple lifestyle, and homeschooling. Well great so do many others, right? Yes, but mainstream society does not value those ideals so navigating can be tricky. How many organic restaurants can you think of off the top of your head? Yeah that many. Eating out is a compromise. A simple restful lifestyle means we are not on the go and in the fray of every school event, sport or offered extra circular activity. Exploration, discovery and imaginative play are our biggest components of our values. And the can of worms that homeschooling opens... it's not like it used to be folks. Kids have much more opportunity to be socialized these days. On another note, when in history did school become about socializing? We educate our kids. We socialize our dogs.

I am learning to be brave and stand up for values that I didn't just fall into, but developed by experiencing the world and saying that's not what I want. Let's try something else. I want different experiences for my families' journey. Maintaining the course through opposition is challenging. Self questioning my motives and judgment which leads to my heart wavering. Then berating myself for faltering. Finding my braveness requires that I - Stay the Course. I cannot change societal norms. The only opinions that matter are my own and my husband and children. For we are the ones that have to deal with the consequences and blessings of the choice.

What I can change is my believing that I am enough just as I am made. I am enough.