A Look Back

This was my first complete year homeschooling both of the boys. The first complete year not having any ties to the pubic school system. The first complete year that I have felt alive, not in survival mode. I sat down with my journal on August 5th with fear and stress in my heart from the back to school monster that torments that last few sacred weeks of summer. My kids weren't going back to school, I shouldn't have felt all the stress and anxiety that was being posted or talked about with the change of command - the baton passed from parent to teacher. The rush to make sure your child shows up with the correct and complete supply list. That your child has the next size clothes ready to go for school since living in bathing suits is no longer an acceptable uniform. The programming of your children and self to wake up and immediately get ready to leave the house instead of relaxed, peaceful mornings. Your time is no longer your own. You are owned by a schedule you have little say over. 

Rush.
Hurry.
Schedule.
Late.
Conform.
Perform.

These were feelings I was dealing with as I started my year. I'd been in the system in one way or another and I was still programed to operate under it even though I was my own commander. I still didn't believe this in my heart, that I was in charge. There's an idea called unschooling. It is the idea that you have to give yourself time to lay off the programming of school. When you homeschool, it is not school at home. Some do, we don't. Why replicate what you are leaving? I realized I needed to unschool my mind so that I could transition my youngest well. I made a plan. I decided I needed multiple journals to keep my life organized. No calendars. Just journals - three of them. One solely for homeschool: thoughts, experience ideas, book lists. Half of this journal is dedicated to line after line of books to check out from the library. I'm very much of the mindset of educating through books. Once I had my journals in hand, I sat down in my dining room with my homeschool journal and wrote out my desires for what our year should embody.

I called it, "Truths to reflect on and weigh everything against for this embarking year of homeschooling." Essentially, My Anchor.

I desire this year to be focused on experience.
       Field trips, hands on learning, and new.

I desire this year to be relational.
       Kid relationships, adult relationships, family time.

I desire this year to be simple.
       Not in a hurry, slow to absorb life's beauty, focus less on the material, enjoy what we own, less debt, 
       more life, clean house.

I desire this year to be character focused.
       Awaken self-awareness, create an environment for growth and safety.

I desire this year to be creative.
       Focused on art, writing, and beauty.

I desire this year to be relaxed and unhurried.

I desire this year to find balance and rest of soul.

I desire this year to focus on our needs.
        Not others' expectations. Not others' attitudes. Only what refreshes and restores the soul.

I desire this year to focus on strength.
        Strength in resolve, mind, and body.

Then I made a vow to never show or share this list with anybody. It bared too much of my instability and the fight that was happening in my soul. My deprogramming was beginning; unraveling society's demands and shed what didn't match my heart's call for a different life than what was offered.

So here we are at the end of the public school year. I read through this list again for the first time since the beginning of the school year and laughed. Oh, what a difference our life has become. I carry none of the burden of others' expectations because we have found what makes our family sing. 

We all have our relationships. 
We have time for experiences because we aren't tired on the weekends or during the week. 
Our life is simple because we have the gift of time; character development is happening and noticed by others (though no one wants to hear and listen to how and why my kids are so delightful). 
Creativity, balance, rest, and strength have been found and given because our life is our own.

Our life is our own.